One of the greatest gifts God has given me is understanding His unconditional love. Coming to know this wasn’t easy. I had to learn it the hard way.
There was a time in the past when I didn’t believe in God. I lived my life according to my will. I relied on myself for everything. My mom did take me to church. The knowledge of God was there, but I never made the connection.
I would like to share with you an incident from my past where God made His love undeniable.
In the summer of 1992 I had reached the lowest point of my life. My fiance called off the wedding. Her news floored me. I became devastated, hurt, and confused over her choice of walking away.
I had envisioned a lifetime full of romance, happiness and growing old together. I imagined being a father. Looked forward to taking on the husband’s marriage responsibilities. Now those family aspirations shattered. I felt cheated.
Her broken promise pierced a hole in my heart, and the excruciating pain that followed was unlike any I had ever experienced. My emotional immune system damaged, and the door for suicidal thoughts swung open.
Her decision to walk away enraged me. Resentment overtook my heart and bitterness oozed out of my emotional pores. I wanted revenge. So, I assassinated her character by telling everyone her deepest and darkest secrets she had confided in me. I made it known to everybody the injustice she had inflicted.
A subtle depression began brewing in my soul. The emotional anguish over the event dominated me. The more I thought about her rejection of me, the stronger I felt about committing suicide.
I was in a constant mental battle contemplating taking myself out of this world or continue living in the sea of misery. Every morning I struggled to crawl out of bed. I didn’t want to face life because the pain of rejection was overwhelming. I hated her for turning my life inside out.
My desire to live began sinking into the black hole of despair. My spirit was evaporating from my soul. I was losing the fight, and I couldn’t stop the inevitable.
Work, family, and friends had no effect in pulling me out of the insanity of wanting to commit suicide. I was a master of disguises and convinced those around me, everything was working out. But, deep inside my conscience the depression reached its boiling point.
No matter what I tried to avoid those avalanche of negative thoughts only made matters worse. I had reached that point where I was powerless over their paralyzing grip. Something had to give, and I decided to end it all. There was no turning back.
I activated my designed plan to kill myself. My suicide method of choice was carbon monoxide poisoning. It happened on my lunch hour. I lived close to my employer and going home was normal. I drove in the garage. Leaving the car running and closing the garage door sealed the deal.
I sat in the driver seat with all the windows down. Nothing seemed to be happening, so I got out of the car and lay down on the concrete floor up close to the tailpipe. I began breathing in the exhaust fumes. That was the last thing I remembered.
God wasn’t going to let me die because He loved me. The Lord had other plans, and it was all about living.
God had sent one of my brothers to assist in saving my life. I later found out my brother had an intuitive feeling to stop by the house. Here God’s mysterious hand was at work because my sibling told me he was pondering over not stopping by the home. The Lord made sure he would help rescue me.
The next memory of this experience was waking up in an oxygen chamber at a hospital. The doctors had to flush out the carbon monoxide poisoning with pure oxygen.
I’m not sure how long I stayed hospitalized, but upon release I had to spend time in a mental institution. After a few days of psychiatric evaluation and the green light from the medical professionals, I returned home.
Looking back on this episode of my life leaves no doubt in my mind the love of God. To come out of the fringes of death without any physical or mental difficulties proves the Lord does show mercy. God’s healing power is astonishing because sustaining no brain damage from the lack of oxygen is only by His grace. Those facts are undeniable!
The Lord has repaired my soul and mended my heart. Today I have a joy for God. I am grateful for His gift of life and cherish devoting my will over to His protection.
Over the past 23 years, there have been other troubles in my life. Marriage, divorce, death of a parent and alcohol abuse. Those difficulties did cause havoc in my life. But on that day in the summer of 1992 when God stepped in and grabbed a whole of me the pain from those woes never brought on suicidal thoughts.
God’s undeniable love continues to impact me in a profound way. The inner peace I have found in trusting Him with all my affairs is the difference maker. There is no tragedy in life that I haven’t been able to overcome when I surrender them over to God.
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